These are the ABCs of me, baby!

Howdy and welcome to my blog!  My name is Amanda – sit back, relax, and hopefully enjoy!

Me at about 230 pounds…notice it’s not full-length.

I have everything going for me – except my weight and depression.  I’m married to my college sweetie (10 years – how the hell did that happen?!)  My son (heretofore named H-Bomb) and daughter (Hurricane) are very active, bright little kids, and I love them to death – even when I’m bitching about them!

Ignore the gross hair…kids will NOT wait for pressies!

I was first diagnosed with depression 10 years ago (right after getting married…coincidence?  Hmmm…) and spent some time on Paxil (horrible drug) and in therapy.  It’s funny, I barely remember anything I talked about in therapy…maybe it just wasn’t that helpful.  I worried the entire time I was pregnant with both of my kids that postpartum depression would raise its ugly head, but I never really felt it.  I counted myself lucky and moved on.

I have spent most of my life overweight – I was a skinny, leggy little girl, but once puberty hit (at 11…cruel joke, Universe!) I busted out all over.  I was teased for my big butt, had teen boys’ faces smooshed against my big boobs during slow dances, and never felt as cute or as perky as I wanted to.  I spent years of my adult life trying to diet without dieting, joining Weight Watchers only to fail after an initial success.

I’m not one for New Year’s resolutions, but for the past several years, I’ve tried to start working out every time the new year rolled around.  Then I got pregnant with my son…at 246 pounds.  I gave birth to him…at 246 pounds (thank you, 7 months of morning sickness!)  Came home from the hospital at 234, ended up around 225 thanks to near-constant breastfeeding and overwhelming exhaustion that sometimes made lifting a fork too damned hard.

Hurricane & I boating in Florida…I was 7 months preggers with H-bomb here.

Fast forward to January 2009.  I started out at 225 pounds, and applied myself to working out 3-4 days a week – even though I HATE to sweat!  I started running on the treadmill and LOVED it!  I ran anywhere from 2-3 miles a day, 4 days a week.  Typically, I then drove home and did core work.  If you know me, you are shocked right now.  I don’t move unless I absolutely have to.  If aliens come and invade, or there’s a zombie apocalypse, consider me the first one dead.  I am a wuss, and I don’t move fast.  But running on that treadmill gave me so much confidence – still not enough to have me survive the zombie apocalypse…if nothing else, I’m a picky eater and the first time roadkill is introduced as a meal, I’m biting the cyanide pill – but enough to let me strut my stuff a bit without feeling like a fool.  I made it to 204 pounds (my lightest in easily a decade) and was looking for my first 5K to run.

(Here should be a pic of me at 204, rocking a new bod that I was loving – 20-30 pounds from my goal.  I’m pretty pissed I didn’t get any.)

Then in May 2010, I started feeling more and more run down.  Running even a mile was getting hard (although I ran 5K on the treadmill at the end of May…official 5K, here I come!), and by the time I got home, I had barely enough energy to shower, much less do a core workout.  I also inexplicably gained 5 pounds between May 1 and June 1.  And because I was so utterly exhausted, I couldn’t bounce back from the gain.  I didn’t give up and strap on the feedbag, but I did stop working out and stopped being as careful about what I ate.  The weight crept back slowly…but return it did.

Depression is pernicious and stealthy.  I kept getting more and more tired, more and more desperate feeling, and less in control of my emotions.  I sank back into emotional eating, getting back up to 237 pounds, and it took almost a year before I would finally listen to my husband and best friend and get some help.  My new therapist is amazing, there are so many things I’m learning about myself and how my past has influenced my present.  There is so much work to do, and there are still so many bad days (even with the help of meds), but I do feel like I’m making progress and pulling myself out of the hole.

This blog is here to hold me accountable for the changes I’m making, to help me work through things I’m dealing with mentally, and to serve to document what works and what doesn’t.  I hope it helps you, too, whether you’re dealing with depression or weight loss or both.


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