Hello, Box. Goodbye, Box.
Today’s all about therapy (although I did hop on the scale this morning and was down a pound from YESTERDAY! WTF?!) I had a great session – I only wish I could record our talks so that I could refer to them, and also use them as affirmations throughout the week. Sometimes it’s so hard to realize that I AM making progress, that I AM becoming more self-aware and self-compassionate. And that’s what brings me to today’s topic – getting out of the box.
You all know that box – the one that keeps you “safe”. It protects you from disappointment, hurt, loss. It is made of pain and fear and is NOT helping you. Instead of keeping you safe, it’s just keeping you prisoner. I’m still learning this, and I’m really only peeking out of the box, but I am aware it’s there and I am aware that my thoughts, my perfectionism (all or nothing, right?), and my fears have kept me in it for most of my life. Fear, really, has been the dominating theme in my life. Afraid of being left, afraid of making a mistake, afraid of failing, afraid of disappointing people, afraid of making someone mad at me.
And I still am, but I now realize it’s there, realize the hold it’s had on me for so very, very long. And you know what else that box does? It keeps you sedated – bored, bored, bored. I have been SO bored with my life lately (not dissatisfied, not unhappy, just…bored). I am sick and tired of the same thing day in and day out. So now I’m looking to tear my way out of the box and do something different. I have plans percolating, things that will make me happier. Things that, if pulled off, will make me feel freer. The best advice my therapist gave me? Just worry about TODAY. Don’t worry about tomorrow until it gets here. I take that to mean that I shouldn’t set myself up to fail before I’ve even started – that I shouldn’t let my perfectionism, my deep need to have everything perfect rightnowdammit! get in the way of me.
Day by day, baby – that’s gotta be the new motto.
… you can’t break out of a circle. That you never knew you were in. Conor Oberst