I CAVED!

I am weak.  I caved this morning.  I weighed myself yesterday, and since nothing changed, I figured I shouldn’t weigh myself anymore and disappoint myself before getting even a week into things.  That’s the surest way for me to give up.  I’m good with that – lack of forward progress makes me give up, not just with weight-loss, but pretty much everything in my life.  It’s one of the “Three Truths” my husband knows about me better than I do…oh, wait, you probably want to know what happened on the scale this morning, huh?  Well, after, um, things, ah, moved along yesterday, I figured I might see some kind of loss.  Drumroll please…three pounds!  Three pounds lost in three days!  YAY!  Good to see that things are progressing.  Now I just have to stay on track, because a lot of times if I see a loss, I figure I’m doing a great job and I slack off thinking that adding just a bit more junk into my diet would be ok.  And we all know the slippery slope that leads to, right?

I am proud of myself today – I have come in under calories, and within range for fat, carbs (whee!), and protein.  This morning I woke up feeling like I was getting sick, and had a VERY hard time getting started this morning.  Combine that with the fact that I still haven’t run the dishwasher to wash the blender, and today was another grab-an-Odwalla-and-go kinda morning.  But I was able to get a medium iced lite caramel latte from DD for the desperately needed caffeine boost, and counted that as my morning snack.  Salad with Trader Joe’s rosemary balsamic chicken for lunch, a Kind+ bar in Dark Chocolate Cherry Cashew and Antioxidants for an afternoon snack…which I was still hungry after, so I added a cheese stick.

I love my friend Brian, because he shares my love of Chick-Fil-A, and he pointed out that a 12-piece(!!!) chicken nugget has only 18 grams of carbohydrates.  So I added that into my day on DailyBurn, and it worked out!  While I was picking up my din-din (no fries, please!) I also got small shakes for the kids.  I resisted getting one for myself (so proud!) and got them home without “tasting” the kids’, but then I got absolutely DESPERATE for one!  I even considered not telling them I got them and just eating them when they went to bed.  Two small shakes is like one big one, right?  So it’s not that bad, right?  The sugar craving was downright physical – like I could feel it pulling my body toward the fridge.  Know what I did?  I took a small sip of each as I handed them over.  VICTORY IS MINE!!!

So, about that article.   This is something I’ve noticed on various message boards and in magazine articles: sort of a backlash against size-ism.  “Women of size,” “big girls,” “plus-sized women,” what-have-you, are trying to be more accepting of their bodies – which I think is great, but at what cost?  There is a particular message board I visited a few times, and I wasn’t there for long.  Things seemed very strident and shrill – like, not only were these women asking for people to accept them because they accepted themselves, but were DEMANDING it (and you can argue that, with the way society ostracizes overweight or obese people, these women have the right to demand it), and were very unaccepting of women who mentioned they were dieting, or exercising to lose weight.

Now, I think it’s awesome that these women can accept themselves however they are – it takes a stronger person than me to embrace the flaws and be comfortable in your own skin, especially when society tells you that skin houses someone that’s too big to be acceptable.  But I always wondered about the bigger issue: health.  Now, I understand that a lot of these women are considered “healthy” on the surface – hell, I have the blood pressure, cholesterol, and blood sugar levels of a woman who weighs a hell of a lot less than I do!  But I’m NOT healthy.  And because of a run-in with gestational diabetes with kiddo #2, I am susceptible to Type II diabetes later in life.  Even though my blood levels are all ok (well, my HDL is a smidge low, so I have to take fish oil every day), I’m leaving myself open to so many issues as I get older.  Not to mention how terribly uncomfortable I am in my own skin – not just from a societal view, but physically, as well: my knees hurt all the time, my back hurts more than I’d like to admit, I feel like I’m always sweaty, no matter the temperature, and sometimes it’s just plain hard to move.  Not to mention the complete lack of energy – a lot of which can be attributed to depression, but a fair share of it goes to my obesity, too.  And THAT’S my big concern with this new “body-acceptance” movement.  It ignores the bigger issue that women are accepting themselves to the detriment of their health – and in the end, probably their own comfort, too.

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About talamorgan

I'm an almost 40 mother of 2 fighting depression and fighting the battle of the bulge. I want this blog to keep me motivated, to hold me accountable, and to lend me support while I try to fight for my mental as well as physical health.

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